THAT HANGOVER

There had been so many sleepless nights, when I'd wake up after TRYING to attain a sound sleep. Right at 3 am something strikes in my subconscious and I find myself crying and being in a scared state of mind, dreams become nightmares whose occurrence I cannot stop, cannot resist, cannot ignore, cannot face. He comes there, trying to hit me, hold me, pinch me, force me, and suffocate me. I can do nothing but struggle and run and then again fall. But that's just a dream. Dreams come from subconscious. Subconscious mind functions from thoughts from the conscious mind. Do I consciously have such thoughts? When do they occur? From where did I get those thoughts? No one has rapped me, no one has forced me, no one has touched me. Then why? It comes from my background. It comes from knowing day to day stories. It comes from a stare by a random stranger in an isolated place. Did he try to touch me at the metro station or market? Yes he did that's how he is, I remember him so well, he comes in my dreams to him I'm just another girl from the big crowd he tried to touch and on the contrary to me he became the man coming in my dreams. Ever wondered how devastating those nights were to see some stranger controlling me and I'm crying aloud for help. It just didn't stop there, the thought kept trailing me in, out wherever I use to go. I didn't feel safe even inside my own house. Was this normal? In the middle of the night I called my friend so kind was he to listen to me and divert my mind, sing me songs, recites prayers for me and give me a sound sleep. Shared with mom, she got scared and started sleeping with me. But deep within, the thoughts do occur. There is always a fear what might happen to me if I step out and again the incident triggers my mind and I have to think twice before stepping out. Daily forums tell how a five years girl got rapped, how a 50 years woman was molested. How am I suppose to stay fearless? You give us a separate compartment in the metro, thanks a lot for that but what happens once we come out of the CCTV coverage, you can well imagine. The man didn't spare me in a public place, touched me and ran away. What would have happened if I were walking alone in a remote place with no population of the country present except that devil? I would probably occupy a small section in the newspaper and come in the headlines of news channels for a couple of day, ONLY if someone came to rescue me or I go and report my suffering. I am writing this article sitting in my room and wondering what would have happened if was rapped that day. Reading, listening, thinking, about rape leaves a terrible impact on my mind. What about the girls who faced it? What goes through their mind? My mom was worried when I was getting dreams like that and on the other hand the mothers of the rape victims would be perished to see a part of her in pain and trauma. When I see such articles in the newspapers, I flip the page. When I watch news like that, I change the channel. Not because I don’t give a damn about that but because that gives me a hard time to read or hear a brutal story of a woman. All I want to convey from this write up is, it’s not only the sufferer who goes through a difficult phase but also her fellows- The Women and that when a girl experiences a negative touch how she cannot overcome that fear for a long time. The hangover from alcohol gives you one hazy night but this hangover gave many sleepless nights. I have quoted both conclusions from my personal experience and believe you me it’s not easy.

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